So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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