I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize