Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
