I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
