Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
