if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
