I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
