WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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