You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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