Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
