will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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