just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
