If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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