that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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