So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Someone came in the potted fern
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
