So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
