wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
