Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
