Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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