we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize