I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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