i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
