peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Randomize
