Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
BRING THE BAGELS
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize