Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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