If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
