Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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