I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
