my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
