i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
