Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
