Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Panties = found
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
