Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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