the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize