I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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