I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I smell like Dick and happiness
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize