Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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