Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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