I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
