She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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