Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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