I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
