I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize