I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
