I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
