i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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