Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
