Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
