I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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