I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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