Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you win again, gameday.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
