I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
