If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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