Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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