At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
