I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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