I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
