it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Randomize
