i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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