I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
